New Rules Part 5.

New Rules Photo

It’s the Christmas season, yet the sports world is in turmoil as always. The NHL is locked out. The NFL has had to deal bountygate and the deaths of two players. Fan violence reared its ugly head during the Manchester derby. Baseball trades that have questioned the validity of one particular franchise. And so much more. With that, once again a tip of the hat to Bill Maher, it is time for NEW RULES!

New Rule:

Stop with these fan made videos about ending the lockout or we will boycott the game nonsense. These videos are made by attention seeking wannabes, who miss the game so much and have absolutely no life. So they take make a little video, post it on Youtube, and threaten to boycott the NHL. Those people will be the first ones lining up to buy merchandise once the season is started. Pathetic! So get over yourselves. Better yet, get a life!

New Rule:

Bettman:Fehr Meme

Gary Bettman and Donald Fehr must fight to the death. The lone survivor, wins the lockout. And yes, this has to be on pay-per-view. I’d buy it. It would be more entertaining than any Columbus Blue Jacket game ever played.

New Rule:

Downtown Winnipeg in winter.

Downtown Winnipeg in winter.

Have the next bargaining session in Winnipeg. And have it outside. It’s almost 30 below here so let’s make both the players and owners suffer until they strike a deal. Trust me, the season would be saved.

New Rule:

Toronto Raptors

Contract the Toronto Raptors. The NBA will never be big in Canada, and the Raptors are an embarrassment to sports in general. So just fold the franchise and move forward. Trust me David Stern, your league would be better off without the Craptors.

New Rule:

Bud Selig

Bud Selig is the best commissioner in sports right now. And no, this won’t be a rant praising Selig. This is by default. Gary Bettman has locked out the NHL. David Stern fines Gregg Popovich for resting his stars. Roger Goodell has his suspensions of New Orleans Saints players overturned by former NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue. Selig hasn’t done anything. Congratulations Bud. You’re the best because you do noting!

New Rule:

Arizona Cardinals v Seattle Seahawks

No more complaining about teams running up the score. This past Sunday, during the Seattle Seahawks demolition of the Arizona Cardinals, FOX announcer and general knucklehead Tim Ryan went on a rant complaining about the Seahawks running up the score to make the Cardinals look bad. To quote Winnipeg Free Press Columnist Jerrad Peters, “It’s a representation of the matchup.” Very true. If Tim Green wanted to blame someone, blame Cardinals management for constructing an awful team. (John Skelton is not an NFL quarterback. Red Skelton is a more suitable option.) Blame coach Ken Whisenhunt for not preparing his team properly. But don’t blame the Seahawks. This is the NFL. There is no mercy rule. That the Cardinals made Matt Flynn look like Joe Montana says much more about the Cardinals than it does about the Seahawks.

New Rule:

Arsene Wenger in that ridiculous parka he likes to wear. Almost as laughable as his club he manages.

Arsene Wenger in that ridiculous parka he likes to wear. Almost as laughable as his club he manages.

Arsene Wenger must stay as Arsenal’s manager for life. Because no club provides more comedy than the Gunners. Whether it be getting thrashed routinely by Manchester United, or losing on penalties to lowly Bradford City, no club provides bigger laughs than Arsenal. In fact, I can remember Wenger comparing his club to Barcelona at one stage. Let’s see here. Arsenal have not won a trophy of any kind since 2005. Barcelona have won 3 Champions League Titles, 4 Spanish crowns, 2 Spanish Cups, 2 European Super Cups, 4 Spanish Super Cups and 2 Club World Cups. In total, Barcelona have won 17 trophies since 2005, to Arsenal’s zero! The only time Arsene Wenger will ever see silverware if he takes up a part-time job as a dishwasher at a first class restaurant.

New Rule:

Toronto Blue Jays Logo

Can we tone down the hype for the Toronto Blue Jays please? Look, I like the additions they made, and yes they completed a deal in which they tore apart the Miami Marlins roster. But this is a franchise that has done nothing on the field since 1993. That’s before the strike. This is the AL East. The Yankees will still be there, even though I don’t like them. The Rays have the best manager in baseball in Joe Madden. The Orioles had a wonderful season last year, and they could carry that over into 2013. The Red Sox are terrible, but they do have money so they can rebuild fast. Yes the Blue Jays have won the offseason, but it is over 4 months till opening day, so let’s put the World Series talk on the back burner for now folks. And finally…

New Rule:

Manny-Pacquiao-Knocked-Out

The Manny Pacquaio vs Juan Manuel Marquez fight on Saturday may have saved and killed boxing at the same time. It was a tremendous battle between these two warriors, which reminded me of when Thomas Hearns and “Marvellous” Marvin Hagler engaged in a classic rage of fury in 1985. Marquez’s knock out of Pacquaio at the end of the 6th round, was one of the most dramatic moments in many years inside a boxing ring. Sadly though, this result killed a chance for the big money fight everyone wanted to see. Pacquaio vs Floyd Mayweather. Who knows what happens to boxing now, but that fight is worth seeing for fans of the sweet science. It was a brilliant display.

You can follow me on Twitter @jstar1973

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About Jsportsfan

Covers the Winnipeg Jets for jetsnation.ca. Likes many but not all sports. I'm loveably annoying. You can also follow me on Twitter @jstar1973
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7 Responses to New Rules Part 5.

  1. Ryan Meehan says:

    The way I see it, if someone is bitching about how the other team is running up the score, that should be a huge red flag of what’s really wrong inside the organization. And what’s going on in the organization is a lot of whining in the Cardinals’ case.

  2. J-Dub says:

    Love this list. Love the outdoor negotiations idea.

    Threw up in my mouth a bit at the idea that Osama Bud Selig is the best commissioner in sports today…because it’s TRUE.

  3. Blog Surface says:

    We agree about the Toronto Raptors, it’s very hard to fish out top-flight free agents to go play for Toronto, there needs to be something done there.

    In terms of Selig, there’s no way we could say he’s the best commissioner, even by default. We would take WWE Vincent McMahon before we make Selig #1.

  4. 1) Fehr and Bettman should fight to the death. They should fight in a cage, every month even after the lockout is over. Patch them up and send them back into the octagon. Over and over. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.
    2) Toronto should not be contracted, but moved to Seattle. The Sonics should never have moved. Stern needs beaten with Goodell for allowing it. Not beaten BY Goodell. I mean actually beaten WITH him. Get James Harrison and Jonathan Vilma to pick up Ol’ Rog by his ankles and use him like a tree branch to beat Stern with. A doofy lookin, silver spooned, snitch-ass tree branch.
    3) We need to stop getting boners every time a rookie throws for 3,000 yards. Happens all the time now. Not even a big deal. 4,000 is the new 3,000.

    4) Actual rule that would be useful: Stop treating the NL and AL as equal leagues. They aren’t. Promote the top 5 teams from AAA affiliates/Independant leagues to the NL, then promote the top 5 NL teams to the AL. Use the EPL rules for relegation each year. Top 3-4 NL teams go up into the AL, Bottom 3-4 AL teams drop into the NL.

    When the LA Angels have 160 million dollar payroll and a 5 BILLION dollar TV contract, its pretty stupid to have them in the same league as the Houston Astros that have a payroll of 800k. Seriously…their payroll is 1/20th of the Angels. ( https://spreadsheets.google.com/pub?key=tmxTtDiWidNuZUZLxaZIu5Q&output=html ) And this makes sense how?

  5. Great rules again, I’m really getting fed up with the constant back and forth between Fehr and Bettman.

  6. Pingback: SBM Exclusive: New Rules | Sports Blog Movement

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