The Dark Night: NHL Edition

Special Guest Villain: Gary Bettman as “The Riddler”

“Riddle me in. Riddle me out. Who’s afraid of a lockout?”

It was a dark, gloomy evening in Gotham City. The air was calm, yet foreboding. An evil presence was lurking. Everyone knew it. Cackling and screeching away. Small yet nimble. Frail yet cunning. Always quick with an answer. Yes. The Riddler is back!

How can you tell? Look for the clues. The Riddler always leaves his calling cards. First one: What has 4 legs and is always broke? The Phoenix Coyotes.

Second one: What stays grounded yet has wings? The Winnipeg Jets.

Third one: Who wears gold & black and his political views are whack? Tim Thomas.

Another one: Who has a better chance of winning The Master’s than the Stanley Cup? The Toronto Maple Leafs.

Yes, those are the calling cards of the Riddler. Conniving and crazed. He used to be sane at one time. Former commissioner of the NHL. Gave the league a new TV deal. Got them more exposure than ever before. They were hip. They were the talk of the town. But then something snapped. We don’t know when it happened. Maybe it was when they cancelled the season back in 2004-05. Maybe it was when the Boy Wonder, the kid they call Crosby, joined forces with the Penguin. Maybe it was when the NHL was forced to return to that frozen wasteland known as Winnipeg. Whatever the case, Bettman went insane. Now he dons a green suit and a cane. There is only one man in Gotham City who can stop him. (No, not Brendan Shanahan.) It is time to call upon Batman!

The bat signal has been lit into the sky. The call has been made. He has seen it. Into the batmobile and away he goes. The Dark Knight is on the hunt. Searching for his arch-nemesis. Scouring the city in the deepest of nights. Searching for a possible hideout.

Meanwhile, the Riddler dances away gleefully at the havoc he has raised. As he looks at the carnage he has reigned down in Dixie, he leaves his calling card.

What do a flame and a thrasher have in common? They both die in Atlanta.

The Riddler menacingly grins at the destruction. He now turns and mocks the people of the north. Even though they speak with a different tongue, they know the vile breath of the Riddler.

What separates more than a Kim Kardashian marriage? The province of Quebec.

The Riddler’s evil knows no boundaries. He robs from the good citizens of Gotham City, only to spend it on useless ventures in the desert. When they go bankrupt, he takes more money from Gotham City.

Batman has had enough. He has found the Riddler’s secret hideout. The battle begins. Whap! Pow! Bam! Zap! Zing! Smash! Wham! (Yes the sound effects are from the campy TV show. Deal with it!)

It looks like Batman is about to end the Riddler’s reign of terror, when the Riddler narrowly escapes. He climbs to the top of the highest building in Gotham City. He’s holding something. Batman isn’t sure what it is. The Riddler now speaks.

“Don’t move another step, Caped Crusader. For if you do, I will destroy the 2012-13 NHL Season once and for all. But before I do, here is one more riddle for you to solve. How do you end a lockout?

Will Batman catch the Riddler? Can he save the NHL season? Will the Riddler’s evil reign continue? Hold your breath until tomorrow. Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel. One warning. The worst is yet to come!

You can follow me on Twitter @jstar1973


About Jsportsfan

Covers the Winnipeg Jets for Likes many but not all sports. I'm loveably annoying. You can also follow me on Twitter @jstar1973
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4 Responses to The Dark Night: NHL Edition

  1. Great metaphoric piece here, loved every second of it. The real question is, who is the Batman going to be?

  2. J-Dub says:

    Didn’t Bettman learn the lesson on this from the last time?

  3. Blog Surface says:

    Great read. Whap! Pow! Bam! Zap! Zing! Smash! Wham! – Took us back to the old days.

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