This series of articles will celebrate (or laugh at) some of the worst professional sports teams of all time. I will focus on teams within my lifetime so expect the worst from the 1970s to present day.
Ahoy mateys. This is Captain Highliner here. I’m going to tell you a tale of the good ship Islander. A sad tale it is. A tall tale it isn’t. Arrgh.
It all starts with the captain of the good ship Islander. Mad Mike. A no good captain was he. Barnacles for brains is what that landlubber had. He made so many changes to the crew, that no one knew their roles on the good ship Islander.
Mad Mike bartered with the good ship Panther, before leaving port. The young guardian known as Luongo was about to join the good ship Panther along with one of the top marksman on the good ship Islander, known as Jokinen.
Joining the good ship Islander were young lads with potential, but unproven at sea. A big Russian, known as Kvasha came over from the good ship Panther. Big yes. But soft. Couldn’t handle the rough waters. Hid in the captain’s quarters a few too many times. The other one. A petty officer known as Parrish. He was a little braver. But not the most accurate gunner you’ve seen. Not like the one the good ship Islander had all those years ago. One they call Bossy. He led them to all sorts of treasure back in the day. Fond of silverware as I recall. Arrgh!
Mad Mike didn’t stop there. He drafted a new guardian of the ship. Called himself DiPietro. A young mate with a bright future. One problem. He was always with the ship’s doctor. He would get wounded in battle so easily, they had to use the stitching from an unused sail to keep him together.
Then there was the purser. Wang was his name. He made his treasure in computers. Arrgh! He purchased the good ship Islander for a hefty sum, and was to steer the ship back on course. Alas, despite his treasure, the good ship Islander was still lost at sea.
There were some good ship mates on board. One was a giant, known as Chara. From the eastern land. Somewhat awkward, but was good with the cannon. Not salty enough though for a giant. Could have been a good first mate. But alas, he left the good ship Islander to join the good ship Senator after two years. Arrgh!
Another one from up north. Where vikings roam. Known as Jonsson. Was the first mate for a bit. Then gave it up. Was frustrated with Mad Mike. Near mutiny! So the good ship Islander went without a first mate. How can any vessel survive without a first mate? Arrgh!
Mad Mike did barter with the good ship Philadelphia to pick up an experienced guardian. They called him Beezer. He didn’t last long though. Mad Mike bartered him to the good ship New Jersey before the season ended.
The good ship Islander weren’t blessed with accurate marksmen. Second last in targets hit. The ship’s top shooter was known as the Polish Prince. He found the target 30 times. Alas, the rest of the crew couldn’t hit a whale with a harpoon.
The good ship Islander wasn’t prepared for battle. Arrgh. Out of 82 battles, the ship only won 21 of those. The worst of all the ships back in 2000-01. Even with the fortune used by our new purser, the good ship Islander was sunk and floated all the way down to Davy Jones Locker. No one knows what happened to the ship or crew. The good ship Islander was more like the Titanic, than the Mayflower. Such a sad tale, to a once proud ship. Mad Mike should have walked the plank after this, but the ship went down instead.
That’s the end of my tale. Time to go make some more fishsticks. Arrgh!
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