NHL Wrestlemania

Ladies and Gentleman: This is your main event of the evening. This match will be held inside a 15 foot high steel cage. The rules are simple. Simply bloody your opponent into unconsciousness! There is no time limit and it will be for the Stanley Cup Championship!

Introducing first in the Black and Gold Corner:

They are from Boston Massachusetts. Accompanied by their manager Claude “The Brain” Julien. At a total combined weight of 1,500 pounds. Brad “The Rat” Marchand, Zdeno “The Giant” Chara, “Notorious” Nathan Horton, “Stone Cold” Shawn Thornton, Tim “The Stopper” Thomas and Milan “The Marauder”  Lucic, THE BOSTON BRUINS!!!!

Their opponents, in the Blue and Green Corner:

From Vancouver, British Columbia. Accompanied by their manager “The Doctor of Style” Alain Vigneault. At a total combined weight of 1,300 pounds. “Ravishing” Ryan Kesler, Alexandre ‘The Animal’ Burrows, “Killer” Kevin Bieksa, “The Sadistic” Sedin Twins, and “Rocking” Roberto Luongo. THE VANCOUVER CANUCKS!!!!!!!

Your Referees are Gary Bettman and Brendan Shanahan. Now down to your announcers, Ron McLean and Donald S. Cherry.

Ron: Well Don, this should be a classic matchup tonight.
Don: Well I tell ya it’s not the same when I was coaching and I had “Beautiful” Bobby Orr, the greatest professional wrestler of all time. Now that was wrestling. This stuff is for wimps. Listen up kids!
Ron:  The bell has rung and this match is underway. And Thomas is going after Luongo with a tire pump.
Don: A tire pump!? Are you kidding me? I tell ya if “Slammin” Stan Jonathan and “Jumping” John Wensink were in there they’d beat you with their fists not a tire pump. Give me a break!
Ron: And now Chara has both Sedin Twins in a headlock. Don this isn’t fair!
Don: You know something pipsqueak, you’re right. The Sedins are Chicken Swedes. They don’t know how to fight.
Ron: Bieksa just rammed Horton’s head into the cage. And Horton is out. Referee Shanahan has just kicked Bieksa out for the next 5 Wrestlemanias while Horton goes into the dark room.
Don:  Never ever do that kids! Just listen to Grapes here. Never ever do that. This is wrong kids. Except when “Terrible” Terry O’Reilly did it to Dave “The Hammer’ Schultz. Now that was wrestling!
Ron: Oooh a cheap shot there. Marchand just stuck his nose where it didn’t belong. And now Lucic is going after Kesler. The puck bunnies are shrieking in horror as Kesler and Lucic are both in a crimson mask.
Don: Hah! Lucic has never looked better I tell ya.
Ron: And now what’s this? Jim Balsillie is coming to ringside. And Bettman orders him out of the arena. Security has come to take him away. This is a donnybrook.
Don: I tell ya this is going into Rock Em Sock Em 26.
Ron: I hope Jim remembers the NHL doesn’t accept rim jobs.
Don: Oh  a wise guy eh?
Ron: Wait, now Vigneault is threatening Julien. This could get real ugly.
Don: Unlike my suits. How do you like this one eh?


Ron: Wait who is this? “Pretty Boy” Patrice Bergeron as entered the ring. What’s he doing here? Wait now Maxim “The Model” LaPierre has entered the fray. Bettman and Shanahan have lost control of this match.
Don: These pukes know nothing about honour. Sick I tell ya. Sick!
Ron: The bell has sounded. There is no winner declared. This will have to be settled on another day.

Welcome to the Bruins vs. Canucks rivalry.

You can follow me on Twitter @jstar1973

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About Jsportsfan

Covers the Winnipeg Jets for jetsnation.ca. Likes many but not all sports. I'm loveably annoying. You can also follow me on Twitter @jstar1973
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3 Responses to NHL Wrestlemania

  1. Bobby Charts says:

    Very nice.

    Nothing like a good ole hated rivialary and in a sport were they can FIGHT…….watch out!

    TKO

  2. brief22 says:

    I love regular season Stanley cup matchups. This year’s cup: Blackhawks-Bruins. What do you think?

  3. Haha! Love the commentary. I agree with Sam, my Blackhawks against the Bruins for the Stanley Cup, with the ‘Hawks winning in 6.

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